Good God

I am sooo freaking frustrated!!! I have 9 days until i can start training again. I am going insane. I can't get in shape because my knee can't handle it and i am sooo out of shape. I can't go play because my knee can't handle it. and I can't do the things i planned because people are ignoring me or because we 'didn't talk about it' umm.. we didn't need to..... well guess not!! *bangs head* and nope, cant do this because I don't like you anymore! (of course not really jsut how it feels.... damnit)

fuckfuckfuck

ANGRYNESS

Okay, so today I was angry when i woke up. it was cuz my alarm didn't go off and i didn't know when i was being picked up etc etc. but you know how it goes. so i go to the game and they suck the first game. (rusty, not awake, something) but the second game they do very well! it was awesome. and apparently i was not very nice to my friends sister... but i treated her the same way as everyone else... i think i figured out what it was though... i was talking to them (i think) and i just looked at her and said STOP because i was trying to talk and stuff. so then i said to everyone, you don't talk unless i ask you to. Now i said that to several people. now i think that is what happened... but i'm not sure.....

It hasn't been easy these past days... its silly. i'm just a roller coaster. i am tender and sensitive lately... its lame. i don't know what is going on. I hate stuff. i am mean, short tempered. etc. i can't stand this. my chest is tight almost always. i know i need to relax and calm down............... I can't believe myself. I'm so MEAN. it sucks. i hate it and wow. some says i'm like woohoo this rocks!! and then i'm like that song 'break stuff'

I went to the gym today... i was the only girl there under 40 and not chubby... i ran for half an hour. um, like jogging then almost sprinting. my knee hurts bad now.  oh well.

wow.

Hi there

Hi everyone! (who i believe is now just kelsey and a couple people i tell about this blog..) It's been a while. I feel better. I am kinda scared for college, which is only 3 years away. I always suck at 3rd term. it is the worst for me, without fail. i am trying like wayyyy hard and doing everything.. but it still wow sucks... hahahaa. la quinta!!!!!!!!!!! Funnn stuff. :D I'm just tired. *Yawns* I know where i am loved. I am losing the weight. I tore my acl. it sucks, but it could be worse. I have been sloppy. i am a sloppy. haha. I'm soo tired as i'm writing this. today was a good day. so was yesterday. i love weekends. :) ☼☼☼ I've got wonderful friends and i am very lucky! I have an awesome family.

bye! bed  time

Heartless

I won't be a tool. I won't be a piece in his game. I won't be a means to an end or a chip to use. I won't be a stepping stool or a footnote, I won't be an actor on his stage! You can't make me love you, you can't make me want you. You can't make me need you! I depended on you and you let me down, all you bring me is pain. I thought you cared and I was wrong. Long ago I needed you. Long ago I wanted to be with you. But it has passed and so has the veil of innosence. I know who I am! I know what I want from you! I know what I need to do. You can go to hell. You can't fool me into thinking you care, I can see you pretending. I can see you care for no one but yourself, thats what I see when you use me I'm not stupid, I see I am a tool, a chip for you to use. You just lost your daughter. (Was I ever? If you exploit me so?) Maybe not forever, but for a good long time.

You were supposed to be my daddy. But you hurt me. You used me. You used me as a threat. Thats not okay daddy. It's not right. Your heartless.

A story

Once upon a time there was a girl, this girl had her life torn and ripped and fall apart. before she could even understand what was happening, before she could comprehend her world was gone, it was put back together again. But she was still trying to understand that the world she knew was gone... so what can she do but try to keep up with the way it's changing? How can she? It's hard to understand for her what is going on and how to deal with it. When the world she thought she lived in was gone, and this world is sooo different, how can she not mourn the loss of her world, and balk at the idea of the new one? What happens when she's trying to still understand her life fell apart, her mom gets a boyfriend? How can she understand??

What happenes when her mom felt trapped in the highest room in the tallest tower? When she is set free she wants to live! The girl knows that, but can't move as fast as her mom does, she has to move at a slower pace because it's scary for her. It doesn't seem natural. It doesn't seem right! But she loves her mom very much, she wants her mom to be happy. So she acts, she pretends, she tries to let her mom go free... but she is still her mom, she still needs her. She doesn't like it when knights come to her cottage, even though they are good knights.

So they fight. They try to understand eachother, they try to communicate their feelings. But they get mad, and walls go up! they love eachother, they really do. but they dont understand. The girl doesn't see how the mom can move so quickly because she is still trying to understand what she had is gone.. and she has to start over building her life. The mom doesn't see how the girl can't move quickly and start over anew! so they fight, and they ache

Can the girl and her mom understand eachother in the end? Can they come to a compromise? can they work it out in the end?

running

I feel like crap. i'm scared, i have that same weight on my chest and ache behind my eyes that i had before. i don't want to go back to where i was. I can't go back there. I've lost my confidence and i don't know where it went. I'm running from whats wrong... and i want to keep running

My mom has a boyfriend and that wiggs me out. i don't want to say anything because i want her to be happy, but i can't be involved in it. it will hurt me again i'm afraid. i don't want to know this guy, i don't want  her to be in it. but i want her to be happy, i want things to go back to how they were before this guy.

Where i'm at is strange, i think this relationship is hurting me. that is reality, but i won't stop it, i'm happy where i was in it, but then it changed. I want it to go back to the way it was.

I know i'm always saying that the only constant is change, that't true but it's not always a good thing. it hurts sometimes, and it makes things hard. the only way i can get stronger is if i deal with it!

I feel like such a wimp because whenever something changes i feel like i have to throw a fit, because things were good as they are. I should be able to understand it and deal with it but i don't feel like i can, no, thats a lie, i don't want to. I want everything to be perfect. haha, what a joke.

I put on such a good mask sometimes! so that people can't see how i ache inside, how hurt i am. but the people who know me best see right past it like it's a misquito net.

I want to cry and hide away in my safe place. i understand that i can't but i can't stop wanthing it. I dream of going there and hiding. but i don't. i can't. because if i hide things can't get better.

I hide things from my mom because i don't want to get into them. i'm a coward. I know i'm a coward. I can't talk to her becaue i am scared! so i hide myself away.

I want to run. I don't want to face this.

I hurt people, i hate to hurt people but i do. I know i hurt them and when i know i bleed and ache inside with knowing. I always end up hurting the same person. i hate myself for that. I don't disirve them, i shouldn't have what i do because i know i haven't erned it, if anything i've demonstrated why i shouldn't have it... and yet when it is going to be taken away i cry.

I love my family, but i dispise them. i don't want them in my business because they would ask questions i don't want to answer.

I have removed myself from people, from relationships, and it hurts, but i'm to scared to get back into them

I pretend to be someone i'm not because i want my old friends to stay friends with me. But i'm not who they think i am! i changed, but they haven't.

I say sorry for people i hold dear, when i know i shouldn't because how can they be so close to me if i say sorry?

It's calc compared to algebra, i can't say it anymore because i know it means something different to them. I know what it means. I can't even comprehend it, and they feel it endlessly. so how can i even claim to know thay they're talking about? how can i say i do in return?

this is just the start of what i feel i believe.. how can i live with myself? i run. i shouldn't run. i will stop running.

Oh yes!

Haha, It's funny when you stay up until about midnight reading steamy books, wake up the next morning and are full of energy! but woah it gets you later. I fell asleep in geog after i finished my test, dozed off in math after i finished that test too. haha, got coffee and slept a bit when i got home. still tired as a doped chimp. I wonder if she'll ever come back and be my lil sis again.. wonder if she'll just forget about me entirely. just wondering... Wonder about girls, know about guys. wanna know! wanna? life is strange as is my train of thought! wonder if a train of thought could crash? wow lots of jybberish! I wonder if people who 'speak jybberish' actually do or are they just flappin their gums. gum is yummy. i wanna taste those gums of his. again i wanna. My spelling sucks on this, so does my caps and puncuation. why is abbreviation such a long word? makes me chuckle. when people come to me for love help makes me chuckle more. wonder why they do that? maybe cuz i am brutally honest about what i see? I am not successful at love, why do they come to me? how strange. I am strange, i like it. and strange people! I am tired. i wanna have fun!

This is how i think. Just one neverending stream, so i'm not really random.. am i? yes. lol, cuz you can't follow my train.. cuz sometimes it crashes?

Wooh..

Well hello there! been a long time.. lotta stuff has happened.
1) i have stopped worrying about my spelling/puncuation on this so DEAL! lol
2) i feel better than i have in a long time..
3) i have let go, if they are here great, if not, o well
4) i have re-connected, :)
5) TESTS!! TESTS CAN SUCK MY BALLS!
6) i have balls Now?
7) My friends are amazing... Not that it is new!!!
8) I AM GOING TO VAGAS BABY! LETS GO GET DRUNK!! jk on the drunk part.. lol
9) spanish sucks, again not new...
10) i like lists, they are awesome.
11) heh heh heh heh... erin you know what this means!! cappichino so do u.... heh heh faries...
12) when your parents date..it sucks
13) i am waay sore
14) i am tired.. bed time now..

How to keep my sanity!

I've figured it out! I'm so proud of me? I love the gym, I think it is my soulmate! :-D I feel happy at the gym, little skiddish but happy. I love the feel of my muscles screaming and burning. I love how it makes me feel at peace with myself. I think it's funny how I never want to post when I'm happy but I have to whine and complain when I'm not. lol.
 But today it is not to whine and complain, it's to say JOY because I found my sanity! (how, idk) I am stronger than I thought, and am suprising myself. Only not even a week left!!

Mwaaaaa...

It's all gooooood.

NEW START

I'm done being weak. I'm going to start being strong again! I'm going to start being Rockstar again, not whoever this weakling is.

WOOHOO? YEAH! (I don't know why I'm typing so big I just wanna) I'm being strong now! Leave a message, after the beep.

WORDS

Words can ruin anything, have you noticed that? Relationships, ideas, dreams, life. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt them. True, but words will kill. You would think I would learn to keep my mouth shut! No, when I keep my mouth shut I get in trouble because I'm hiding things, when I speak my mind, I get in trouble as well! What am I supposed to do? I find myself asking over and over again 'what do you want me to do?' Because I don't know. Everything I do hurts someone. Maybe I should stop trying. Maybe then I'll stop huting everyone. I doubt it, because if I stop trying people will be dissapointed in me. I don't know what I want, I don't know anything right now. I'm tired. Tired of everything. There is nothing I can do. It's just habbit that keeps me getting up every morning. I'm going to crack. I'm going to lose it. I can't go anywhere without this weight. Without this chain. Without this Kryptonite. I feel as if I'm losing my grip. I can't even trace it back to any one thing... Just the catlyist. I'm just tired. I want to give up.

xmas break

One thing I really HATE about xmas break is I don't have anything to do! No soccer, no school, none of my friends are really able to hang, I even find myself wishing I had homework to do! The worst thing in the world for me is to be idle. I've got all my xmas shopping done, no games, I can't drive so I can't really go anywhere. Humm... I just realized how much I depend on people, hint hint it's a lot, maybe I should stop depending on them? If anyone knows how it feels to be let down it's me. Why do I care about some people? Even when they don't care about me? Why do I dwell on things I can't change?? What am I doing? How am I changing? Am I going in a circle? Maybe I should quit? Maybe I can't! lalalala bla bla bla. It's all meaningless, I suppose. I am who I am, they are who they are, I can't change that, I can try to understand that. But how am I supposed to when one week we were friends, the next they won't even look at me? lalala bla bla bla. Sticks and stones my friend... I'd like to think sticks and stones...

LOVE STINKS! YEAH YEAH! LOVE STINKS!

   -The Wedding Singer

Thats all I have to say

Why hello

Hello there. I'm Megan. I love soccer, but sometimes it can get on your nerves. I ♥ someone very much, but can hardly ever see them. I have many friends that seem to not want me in their life, but somehow, whenever I think I can drop some luggage they always come back. Love is hard. Life is hard. Some of my favorate sayings are 'The goal is not to survive, but to live' and 'Life is to be lived, not endured'. I went to a soccer college thing and it was very useful for me. :) But I missed practice. :(  I have done things that I'm forbidden from doing, I don't regret them. I'm not sure where I stand on many many things.. I'm not sure I'll figure it out until college. I have too many friends that like to cast me aside like old meat. I wrote, 'Everything is going to be alirght' on my right thigh, I wrote 'Everything happens for a reason' on my left, I wrote 'Stay strong it will get easier' on my left arm and 'be you' on my left bicep. I F***ING hate math. I love my team. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Daddy.

@(#*@)#

I am sooo frikin mad. I have no right  to be mad, no right what-so-ever. I don't care. I am mad. I made odp again.. I went to one stinking thing and I sucked. I made awesome plans for this weekend and frikin soccer screwed it up! I was going to do some awesome studying and working on things that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. No, I have soccer friday from 4-630. GGRREEAATT!! Frikin briliant! I want some time for myself and time to do what I need to do. I apparently do not have the luxury of that. My grades are chicken shit and I'm sooo tired. I'm going to cry for no reason and thats making me more mad. I am lonely. I am tired. I despise something I love to do. DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING SENSE????!!!?!!??!

I'm driving away oppertunitys. I know I am. I know I will regret not going but I simply don't care. I really don't want to go tonight. But if I don't go tonight then I will have to go friday. sighs. I'm going to go make a sandwich.

So..

Today was good! :) I got to hang out with my Dad and I got some major homework done, have yet to do my math hw, studied though!

I realized that I really am doing ok... But kinda not. lol, if that makes ANY sense.

(omc friday night was soo great)

Saturday I played in 3 games, two futsol and one indoor, I have sooooo many bruses it's unreal, they HURT too! I'm proud to show them off! ;)

I just about broke down crying on Dad today... I didn't though. So I'm not sure if thats good or not..

I relized I have some AMAZING ARSE FRIENDS! And that I'm pretty darn lucky to have them.

I miss.. I donno. Becides the obvous. I Feel like I am missing something inside... Have you ever had that feeling? Just something is.. not there that is supposed to be there..

I hate it when you tell someone you love them and they say 'thats nice...' Just makes you breathe funny and go '...ow..'

I'm super excited for the two love birds that are getting married!! (I need to find a really nice dress to wear to their wedding) They are sooo cute together! When I heard about I just went 'FINALLY!! YAY!!' haha

I hate xmas shopping

I love my family

I am SUPER lucky to have my friends

I am doing alright

sweet

Sigh...

1) I have deciced I write too many depressing things on my blog!

2) (this is where the blogging starts....)

Ever had one of those days where it just drains your energy? Your soo up to your neck in homework, and you know you have to do it but you don't WANT to care.. (but you do) You just want something soooo bad but there is no way, no matter what you do, that you can have it? You pretend you don't care... (but you do) Where you are so tired of just being not okay that you don't wanna care? (but you do) You spend so much energy on something... then it ends up where you would have been better off spending it elsewhere. You don't care. (but you really really do) You have fun with your friends.. but on the inside you feel like your crying.. You can't care... (but you do) You come home and lay on your bed untill you are discusted at yourself that you aren't studying, juggling, or doing your chores. You hate it, but you don't care. (only the first part is true) Have you ever noticed that the day just won't end.. no matter what you do... It won't end. You want the next day to come, but you dred it.. So you stay up late until you colapse.

Ever had one of those days?

:)

Yesterday was soo great. :) it was just awesome, I went to the mall with my friends (Erin, Tea, Haily and Amber) I got a present for a 7 year old girl, and I saw new moon again! It was one of those days where if I didn't have my friends it would have been AWFUL. But it wasn't... so we're good. I am sick, like really sick. I feel like crap and sound like a man. *sigh* I miss someone very much. And I am gettin appt for this thingie monday.. so yupperz.

I really don't have a title for this

Life can be soo totally awesome! Like yesterday was amazing, the best day I've had in a loong loong time. It was just amazingly awesome. And then today was great until I got word that my sister was being harrased by this jackass. Now I'm being totally oversensitive and it's pissing me off but I cant stop. I hate being a girl, because only a girl will be like this. I hate this. I feel rejected and there is no reason to be feeling this.. I need to go lie down and sleep for forever. My haven feels like it is being taken from me in my time of need and I feel terrible. I'm getting sick. I'm going to go away and be a little girl who can't handle the big bad world now. Thanks for the memmories.

Well....

Today was great! honestly it was fantastic... but I feel.. down. Steve and Aubs say that I've lost my spark, that it's underwater. I believe them, I feel awful. I don't want anyone to comment on this FYI. You can click the button but don't comment ok? I have to be good.. in more than one sense, it sucks but I have to be so I can be involved in stuff later. (Steven you know what I'm talking about) I feel like crap. I feel like a bad kid, but I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing, I'm a selfish turd and en route to self destruct. (I'm not going to off myself) I hate being depressed. it just hit me really hard tonight, I don't know why, just did. I hate myself and I don't want to be with anyone, because I know I will screw things up. I really don't want anyone to read this and then talk to me about it, because I know it will pass.. These are just my feelings right now, if I bury them then they will come up and bite me in the ass later. I don't know what to say so I'll just say this sucks. I hate myself right now, no you can't help me, i just need to pick up my lazy ass. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm sick of not having a dad. I'm tired to the bone but scared to fall asleep. anyways.. I'm going to go do more homework.