How to keep my sanity!

I've figured it out! I'm so proud of me? I love the gym, I think it is my soulmate! :-D I feel happy at the gym, little skiddish but happy. I love the feel of my muscles screaming and burning. I love how it makes me feel at peace with myself. I think it's funny how I never want to post when I'm happy but I have to whine and complain when I'm not. lol.
 But today it is not to whine and complain, it's to say JOY because I found my sanity! (how, idk) I am stronger than I thought, and am suprising myself. Only not even a week left!!

Mwaaaaa...

It's all gooooood.

NEW START

I'm done being weak. I'm going to start being strong again! I'm going to start being Rockstar again, not whoever this weakling is.

WOOHOO? YEAH! (I don't know why I'm typing so big I just wanna) I'm being strong now! Leave a message, after the beep.

WORDS

Words can ruin anything, have you noticed that? Relationships, ideas, dreams, life. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt them. True, but words will kill. You would think I would learn to keep my mouth shut! No, when I keep my mouth shut I get in trouble because I'm hiding things, when I speak my mind, I get in trouble as well! What am I supposed to do? I find myself asking over and over again 'what do you want me to do?' Because I don't know. Everything I do hurts someone. Maybe I should stop trying. Maybe then I'll stop huting everyone. I doubt it, because if I stop trying people will be dissapointed in me. I don't know what I want, I don't know anything right now. I'm tired. Tired of everything. There is nothing I can do. It's just habbit that keeps me getting up every morning. I'm going to crack. I'm going to lose it. I can't go anywhere without this weight. Without this chain. Without this Kryptonite. I feel as if I'm losing my grip. I can't even trace it back to any one thing... Just the catlyist. I'm just tired. I want to give up.

xmas break

One thing I really HATE about xmas break is I don't have anything to do! No soccer, no school, none of my friends are really able to hang, I even find myself wishing I had homework to do! The worst thing in the world for me is to be idle. I've got all my xmas shopping done, no games, I can't drive so I can't really go anywhere. Humm... I just realized how much I depend on people, hint hint it's a lot, maybe I should stop depending on them? If anyone knows how it feels to be let down it's me. Why do I care about some people? Even when they don't care about me? Why do I dwell on things I can't change?? What am I doing? How am I changing? Am I going in a circle? Maybe I should quit? Maybe I can't! lalalala bla bla bla. It's all meaningless, I suppose. I am who I am, they are who they are, I can't change that, I can try to understand that. But how am I supposed to when one week we were friends, the next they won't even look at me? lalala bla bla bla. Sticks and stones my friend... I'd like to think sticks and stones...

LOVE STINKS! YEAH YEAH! LOVE STINKS!

   -The Wedding Singer

Thats all I have to say

Why hello

Hello there. I'm Megan. I love soccer, but sometimes it can get on your nerves. I ♥ someone very much, but can hardly ever see them. I have many friends that seem to not want me in their life, but somehow, whenever I think I can drop some luggage they always come back. Love is hard. Life is hard. Some of my favorate sayings are 'The goal is not to survive, but to live' and 'Life is to be lived, not endured'. I went to a soccer college thing and it was very useful for me. :) But I missed practice. :(  I have done things that I'm forbidden from doing, I don't regret them. I'm not sure where I stand on many many things.. I'm not sure I'll figure it out until college. I have too many friends that like to cast me aside like old meat. I wrote, 'Everything is going to be alirght' on my right thigh, I wrote 'Everything happens for a reason' on my left, I wrote 'Stay strong it will get easier' on my left arm and 'be you' on my left bicep. I F***ING hate math. I love my team. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Daddy.

@(#*@)#

I am sooo frikin mad. I have no right  to be mad, no right what-so-ever. I don't care. I am mad. I made odp again.. I went to one stinking thing and I sucked. I made awesome plans for this weekend and frikin soccer screwed it up! I was going to do some awesome studying and working on things that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. No, I have soccer friday from 4-630. GGRREEAATT!! Frikin briliant! I want some time for myself and time to do what I need to do. I apparently do not have the luxury of that. My grades are chicken shit and I'm sooo tired. I'm going to cry for no reason and thats making me more mad. I am lonely. I am tired. I despise something I love to do. DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING SENSE????!!!?!!??!

I'm driving away oppertunitys. I know I am. I know I will regret not going but I simply don't care. I really don't want to go tonight. But if I don't go tonight then I will have to go friday. sighs. I'm going to go make a sandwich.

So..

Today was good! :) I got to hang out with my Dad and I got some major homework done, have yet to do my math hw, studied though!

I realized that I really am doing ok... But kinda not. lol, if that makes ANY sense.

(omc friday night was soo great)

Saturday I played in 3 games, two futsol and one indoor, I have sooooo many bruses it's unreal, they HURT too! I'm proud to show them off! ;)

I just about broke down crying on Dad today... I didn't though. So I'm not sure if thats good or not..

I relized I have some AMAZING ARSE FRIENDS! And that I'm pretty darn lucky to have them.

I miss.. I donno. Becides the obvous. I Feel like I am missing something inside... Have you ever had that feeling? Just something is.. not there that is supposed to be there..

I hate it when you tell someone you love them and they say 'thats nice...' Just makes you breathe funny and go '...ow..'

I'm super excited for the two love birds that are getting married!! (I need to find a really nice dress to wear to their wedding) They are sooo cute together! When I heard about I just went 'FINALLY!! YAY!!' haha

I hate xmas shopping

I love my family

I am SUPER lucky to have my friends

I am doing alright

sweet

Sigh...

1) I have deciced I write too many depressing things on my blog!

2) (this is where the blogging starts....)

Ever had one of those days where it just drains your energy? Your soo up to your neck in homework, and you know you have to do it but you don't WANT to care.. (but you do) You just want something soooo bad but there is no way, no matter what you do, that you can have it? You pretend you don't care... (but you do) Where you are so tired of just being not okay that you don't wanna care? (but you do) You spend so much energy on something... then it ends up where you would have been better off spending it elsewhere. You don't care. (but you really really do) You have fun with your friends.. but on the inside you feel like your crying.. You can't care... (but you do) You come home and lay on your bed untill you are discusted at yourself that you aren't studying, juggling, or doing your chores. You hate it, but you don't care. (only the first part is true) Have you ever noticed that the day just won't end.. no matter what you do... It won't end. You want the next day to come, but you dred it.. So you stay up late until you colapse.

Ever had one of those days?

:)

Yesterday was soo great. :) it was just awesome, I went to the mall with my friends (Erin, Tea, Haily and Amber) I got a present for a 7 year old girl, and I saw new moon again! It was one of those days where if I didn't have my friends it would have been AWFUL. But it wasn't... so we're good. I am sick, like really sick. I feel like crap and sound like a man. *sigh* I miss someone very much. And I am gettin appt for this thingie monday.. so yupperz.

I really don't have a title for this

Life can be soo totally awesome! Like yesterday was amazing, the best day I've had in a loong loong time. It was just amazingly awesome. And then today was great until I got word that my sister was being harrased by this jackass. Now I'm being totally oversensitive and it's pissing me off but I cant stop. I hate being a girl, because only a girl will be like this. I hate this. I feel rejected and there is no reason to be feeling this.. I need to go lie down and sleep for forever. My haven feels like it is being taken from me in my time of need and I feel terrible. I'm getting sick. I'm going to go away and be a little girl who can't handle the big bad world now. Thanks for the memmories.

Well....

Today was great! honestly it was fantastic... but I feel.. down. Steve and Aubs say that I've lost my spark, that it's underwater. I believe them, I feel awful. I don't want anyone to comment on this FYI. You can click the button but don't comment ok? I have to be good.. in more than one sense, it sucks but I have to be so I can be involved in stuff later. (Steven you know what I'm talking about) I feel like crap. I feel like a bad kid, but I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing, I'm a selfish turd and en route to self destruct. (I'm not going to off myself) I hate being depressed. it just hit me really hard tonight, I don't know why, just did. I hate myself and I don't want to be with anyone, because I know I will screw things up. I really don't want anyone to read this and then talk to me about it, because I know it will pass.. These are just my feelings right now, if I bury them then they will come up and bite me in the ass later. I don't know what to say so I'll just say this sucks. I hate myself right now, no you can't help me, i just need to pick up my lazy ass. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm sick of not having a dad. I'm tired to the bone but scared to fall asleep. anyways.. I'm going to go do more homework.

I'm writing a letter

I'm writing a letter to my Mother. It is going to be about everything that I need to say that I'm chicken to. It's going to be about my life, and what the divorce is doing to me, why I hang around Steve/Aubree so much. Why I have an 'attitude' why I am such a 'bad kid'. Its going to be honest and probably not very nice... wish me luck

In an unrelated note... TAYLOR LAUTNER IS SO FRIKIN HOTTT!! I saw new moon the day it came out and ow-ow! (he has his shirt on too much! 100% more than any of the other warewolves! Emily! stop giving the boy shirts!)

Fighter Pilot Baby!!

I am going to be a fighter pilot. I am going to break the sound barrier. I am going to do it. I have my name on a list and I am on my way.. The parts I’m dreading right now are: all the book work, being part of the student government, and telling my mom I’m on the list... It will all work out, everything happens for a reason after all. I am really excited, I want to be able to be up in the air facing all those g-forces and going so fast you can't even hear me until I’m gone! Speed is life! (I’m stoked)
Being yelled at again, post later.

(Having a blog is funner [yes it is a word in megan land] than I thought it would be!!)

I'm going fly!

OOPS

OK, I totally messed up on the last post! sorry it is so hard to read!! MY BAD!! I WILL TO BETTER IN THE FUTRUE ECCPTING MY SPELLING RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!

ME NO GOOD AT ENGL-ISH

I have this friend..

OK! So, yesterday my friend and I had this huge talk, it lasted like 2 periods (yes we skipped...), she's been having a rough time lately and I wanted to help her.. Well, we ended up figuring it out and all is grand!!


There is this guy.. And he's really cute, more than cute; I really like him a lot. (NO ONE SHALL MENTION NAMES OR YOU WILL BE SHOT IF YOU KNOW WHO HE IS!!) He is way nice to people and a great person! He is having a rough time too....

My other friend is going through a divorce, and she has given up I think.. I am not close enough to her to be able to do anything for her. It makes me sad inside because she is a great person.. But she is going to get herself in DEEP shiz.

Then there is me.... My parents are going through a divorce, and are dragging me along with them.. it's a rough time to be in Utah people!! My mom and I aren't getting along; my dad is kinda out of the picture. I want to be an air force pilot! But my mom is ANTI-military, and doesn't support me at all in where I want to go with my life! I need to have a serious talk about her about everything. My 'attitudes' the environment here, (I don’t want to be home at all) and my dreams. If she doesn't want to support them that’s fine, but it doesn't mean she has the right to get in the way of them. (I just want my ssn, I have a right to know that) I have to get A's and it seems impossible right now... my mom is yelling at me as we speak.. So I will post later..


The vision of a champion is someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion when no one else is watching. -Anson Dorrance

So this is my blog...

HOLA! HELLO! HOWDY! haha, first off, I am terrible at keeping a journal or diary or whatever so if I don't post for like a month don't worry! it's just me being forgetful or I just don't wanna post anything right then. If you really want to keep up with me your best bet is checking facebook because most likely I'll forget I even have a blog. :) If someone could show me how to work this darn thing that would be great! Because I can't figure out how to put in a picture. I don't really have anything useful to put in here.. so I'll just stop now..