running

I feel like crap. i'm scared, i have that same weight on my chest and ache behind my eyes that i had before. i don't want to go back to where i was. I can't go back there. I've lost my confidence and i don't know where it went. I'm running from whats wrong... and i want to keep running

My mom has a boyfriend and that wiggs me out. i don't want to say anything because i want her to be happy, but i can't be involved in it. it will hurt me again i'm afraid. i don't want to know this guy, i don't want  her to be in it. but i want her to be happy, i want things to go back to how they were before this guy.

Where i'm at is strange, i think this relationship is hurting me. that is reality, but i won't stop it, i'm happy where i was in it, but then it changed. I want it to go back to the way it was.

I know i'm always saying that the only constant is change, that't true but it's not always a good thing. it hurts sometimes, and it makes things hard. the only way i can get stronger is if i deal with it!

I feel like such a wimp because whenever something changes i feel like i have to throw a fit, because things were good as they are. I should be able to understand it and deal with it but i don't feel like i can, no, thats a lie, i don't want to. I want everything to be perfect. haha, what a joke.

I put on such a good mask sometimes! so that people can't see how i ache inside, how hurt i am. but the people who know me best see right past it like it's a misquito net.

I want to cry and hide away in my safe place. i understand that i can't but i can't stop wanthing it. I dream of going there and hiding. but i don't. i can't. because if i hide things can't get better.

I hide things from my mom because i don't want to get into them. i'm a coward. I know i'm a coward. I can't talk to her becaue i am scared! so i hide myself away.

I want to run. I don't want to face this.

I hurt people, i hate to hurt people but i do. I know i hurt them and when i know i bleed and ache inside with knowing. I always end up hurting the same person. i hate myself for that. I don't disirve them, i shouldn't have what i do because i know i haven't erned it, if anything i've demonstrated why i shouldn't have it... and yet when it is going to be taken away i cry.

I love my family, but i dispise them. i don't want them in my business because they would ask questions i don't want to answer.

I have removed myself from people, from relationships, and it hurts, but i'm to scared to get back into them

I pretend to be someone i'm not because i want my old friends to stay friends with me. But i'm not who they think i am! i changed, but they haven't.

I say sorry for people i hold dear, when i know i shouldn't because how can they be so close to me if i say sorry?

It's calc compared to algebra, i can't say it anymore because i know it means something different to them. I know what it means. I can't even comprehend it, and they feel it endlessly. so how can i even claim to know thay they're talking about? how can i say i do in return?

this is just the start of what i feel i believe.. how can i live with myself? i run. i shouldn't run. i will stop running.