How to keep my sanity!

I've figured it out! I'm so proud of me? I love the gym, I think it is my soulmate! :-D I feel happy at the gym, little skiddish but happy. I love the feel of my muscles screaming and burning. I love how it makes me feel at peace with myself. I think it's funny how I never want to post when I'm happy but I have to whine and complain when I'm not. lol.
 But today it is not to whine and complain, it's to say JOY because I found my sanity! (how, idk) I am stronger than I thought, and am suprising myself. Only not even a week left!!

Mwaaaaa...

It's all gooooood.

NEW START

I'm done being weak. I'm going to start being strong again! I'm going to start being Rockstar again, not whoever this weakling is.

WOOHOO? YEAH! (I don't know why I'm typing so big I just wanna) I'm being strong now! Leave a message, after the beep.

WORDS

Words can ruin anything, have you noticed that? Relationships, ideas, dreams, life. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt them. True, but words will kill. You would think I would learn to keep my mouth shut! No, when I keep my mouth shut I get in trouble because I'm hiding things, when I speak my mind, I get in trouble as well! What am I supposed to do? I find myself asking over and over again 'what do you want me to do?' Because I don't know. Everything I do hurts someone. Maybe I should stop trying. Maybe then I'll stop huting everyone. I doubt it, because if I stop trying people will be dissapointed in me. I don't know what I want, I don't know anything right now. I'm tired. Tired of everything. There is nothing I can do. It's just habbit that keeps me getting up every morning. I'm going to crack. I'm going to lose it. I can't go anywhere without this weight. Without this chain. Without this Kryptonite. I feel as if I'm losing my grip. I can't even trace it back to any one thing... Just the catlyist. I'm just tired. I want to give up.

xmas break

One thing I really HATE about xmas break is I don't have anything to do! No soccer, no school, none of my friends are really able to hang, I even find myself wishing I had homework to do! The worst thing in the world for me is to be idle. I've got all my xmas shopping done, no games, I can't drive so I can't really go anywhere. Humm... I just realized how much I depend on people, hint hint it's a lot, maybe I should stop depending on them? If anyone knows how it feels to be let down it's me. Why do I care about some people? Even when they don't care about me? Why do I dwell on things I can't change?? What am I doing? How am I changing? Am I going in a circle? Maybe I should quit? Maybe I can't! lalalala bla bla bla. It's all meaningless, I suppose. I am who I am, they are who they are, I can't change that, I can try to understand that. But how am I supposed to when one week we were friends, the next they won't even look at me? lalala bla bla bla. Sticks and stones my friend... I'd like to think sticks and stones...

LOVE STINKS! YEAH YEAH! LOVE STINKS!

   -The Wedding Singer

Thats all I have to say

Why hello

Hello there. I'm Megan. I love soccer, but sometimes it can get on your nerves. I ♥ someone very much, but can hardly ever see them. I have many friends that seem to not want me in their life, but somehow, whenever I think I can drop some luggage they always come back. Love is hard. Life is hard. Some of my favorate sayings are 'The goal is not to survive, but to live' and 'Life is to be lived, not endured'. I went to a soccer college thing and it was very useful for me. :) But I missed practice. :(  I have done things that I'm forbidden from doing, I don't regret them. I'm not sure where I stand on many many things.. I'm not sure I'll figure it out until college. I have too many friends that like to cast me aside like old meat. I wrote, 'Everything is going to be alirght' on my right thigh, I wrote 'Everything happens for a reason' on my left, I wrote 'Stay strong it will get easier' on my left arm and 'be you' on my left bicep. I F***ING hate math. I love my team. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Daddy.

@(#*@)#

I am sooo frikin mad. I have no right  to be mad, no right what-so-ever. I don't care. I am mad. I made odp again.. I went to one stinking thing and I sucked. I made awesome plans for this weekend and frikin soccer screwed it up! I was going to do some awesome studying and working on things that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. No, I have soccer friday from 4-630. GGRREEAATT!! Frikin briliant! I want some time for myself and time to do what I need to do. I apparently do not have the luxury of that. My grades are chicken shit and I'm sooo tired. I'm going to cry for no reason and thats making me more mad. I am lonely. I am tired. I despise something I love to do. DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING SENSE????!!!?!!??!

I'm driving away oppertunitys. I know I am. I know I will regret not going but I simply don't care. I really don't want to go tonight. But if I don't go tonight then I will have to go friday. sighs. I'm going to go make a sandwich.

So..

Today was good! :) I got to hang out with my Dad and I got some major homework done, have yet to do my math hw, studied though!

I realized that I really am doing ok... But kinda not. lol, if that makes ANY sense.

(omc friday night was soo great)

Saturday I played in 3 games, two futsol and one indoor, I have sooooo many bruses it's unreal, they HURT too! I'm proud to show them off! ;)

I just about broke down crying on Dad today... I didn't though. So I'm not sure if thats good or not..

I relized I have some AMAZING ARSE FRIENDS! And that I'm pretty darn lucky to have them.

I miss.. I donno. Becides the obvous. I Feel like I am missing something inside... Have you ever had that feeling? Just something is.. not there that is supposed to be there..

I hate it when you tell someone you love them and they say 'thats nice...' Just makes you breathe funny and go '...ow..'

I'm super excited for the two love birds that are getting married!! (I need to find a really nice dress to wear to their wedding) They are sooo cute together! When I heard about I just went 'FINALLY!! YAY!!' haha

I hate xmas shopping

I love my family

I am SUPER lucky to have my friends

I am doing alright

sweet

Sigh...

1) I have deciced I write too many depressing things on my blog!

2) (this is where the blogging starts....)

Ever had one of those days where it just drains your energy? Your soo up to your neck in homework, and you know you have to do it but you don't WANT to care.. (but you do) You just want something soooo bad but there is no way, no matter what you do, that you can have it? You pretend you don't care... (but you do) Where you are so tired of just being not okay that you don't wanna care? (but you do) You spend so much energy on something... then it ends up where you would have been better off spending it elsewhere. You don't care. (but you really really do) You have fun with your friends.. but on the inside you feel like your crying.. You can't care... (but you do) You come home and lay on your bed untill you are discusted at yourself that you aren't studying, juggling, or doing your chores. You hate it, but you don't care. (only the first part is true) Have you ever noticed that the day just won't end.. no matter what you do... It won't end. You want the next day to come, but you dred it.. So you stay up late until you colapse.

Ever had one of those days?