Good God

I am sooo freaking frustrated!!! I have 9 days until i can start training again. I am going insane. I can't get in shape because my knee can't handle it and i am sooo out of shape. I can't go play because my knee can't handle it. and I can't do the things i planned because people are ignoring me or because we 'didn't talk about it' umm.. we didn't need to..... well guess not!! *bangs head* and nope, cant do this because I don't like you anymore! (of course not really jsut how it feels.... damnit)

fuckfuckfuck

ANGRYNESS

Okay, so today I was angry when i woke up. it was cuz my alarm didn't go off and i didn't know when i was being picked up etc etc. but you know how it goes. so i go to the game and they suck the first game. (rusty, not awake, something) but the second game they do very well! it was awesome. and apparently i was not very nice to my friends sister... but i treated her the same way as everyone else... i think i figured out what it was though... i was talking to them (i think) and i just looked at her and said STOP because i was trying to talk and stuff. so then i said to everyone, you don't talk unless i ask you to. Now i said that to several people. now i think that is what happened... but i'm not sure.....

It hasn't been easy these past days... its silly. i'm just a roller coaster. i am tender and sensitive lately... its lame. i don't know what is going on. I hate stuff. i am mean, short tempered. etc. i can't stand this. my chest is tight almost always. i know i need to relax and calm down............... I can't believe myself. I'm so MEAN. it sucks. i hate it and wow. some says i'm like woohoo this rocks!! and then i'm like that song 'break stuff'

I went to the gym today... i was the only girl there under 40 and not chubby... i ran for half an hour. um, like jogging then almost sprinting. my knee hurts bad now.  oh well.

wow.

Hi there

Hi everyone! (who i believe is now just kelsey and a couple people i tell about this blog..) It's been a while. I feel better. I am kinda scared for college, which is only 3 years away. I always suck at 3rd term. it is the worst for me, without fail. i am trying like wayyyy hard and doing everything.. but it still wow sucks... hahahaa. la quinta!!!!!!!!!!! Funnn stuff. :D I'm just tired. *Yawns* I know where i am loved. I am losing the weight. I tore my acl. it sucks, but it could be worse. I have been sloppy. i am a sloppy. haha. I'm soo tired as i'm writing this. today was a good day. so was yesterday. i love weekends. :) ☼☼☼ I've got wonderful friends and i am very lucky! I have an awesome family.

bye! bed  time

Heartless

I won't be a tool. I won't be a piece in his game. I won't be a means to an end or a chip to use. I won't be a stepping stool or a footnote, I won't be an actor on his stage! You can't make me love you, you can't make me want you. You can't make me need you! I depended on you and you let me down, all you bring me is pain. I thought you cared and I was wrong. Long ago I needed you. Long ago I wanted to be with you. But it has passed and so has the veil of innosence. I know who I am! I know what I want from you! I know what I need to do. You can go to hell. You can't fool me into thinking you care, I can see you pretending. I can see you care for no one but yourself, thats what I see when you use me I'm not stupid, I see I am a tool, a chip for you to use. You just lost your daughter. (Was I ever? If you exploit me so?) Maybe not forever, but for a good long time.

You were supposed to be my daddy. But you hurt me. You used me. You used me as a threat. Thats not okay daddy. It's not right. Your heartless.

A story

Once upon a time there was a girl, this girl had her life torn and ripped and fall apart. before she could even understand what was happening, before she could comprehend her world was gone, it was put back together again. But she was still trying to understand that the world she knew was gone... so what can she do but try to keep up with the way it's changing? How can she? It's hard to understand for her what is going on and how to deal with it. When the world she thought she lived in was gone, and this world is sooo different, how can she not mourn the loss of her world, and balk at the idea of the new one? What happens when she's trying to still understand her life fell apart, her mom gets a boyfriend? How can she understand??

What happenes when her mom felt trapped in the highest room in the tallest tower? When she is set free she wants to live! The girl knows that, but can't move as fast as her mom does, she has to move at a slower pace because it's scary for her. It doesn't seem natural. It doesn't seem right! But she loves her mom very much, she wants her mom to be happy. So she acts, she pretends, she tries to let her mom go free... but she is still her mom, she still needs her. She doesn't like it when knights come to her cottage, even though they are good knights.

So they fight. They try to understand eachother, they try to communicate their feelings. But they get mad, and walls go up! they love eachother, they really do. but they dont understand. The girl doesn't see how the mom can move so quickly because she is still trying to understand what she had is gone.. and she has to start over building her life. The mom doesn't see how the girl can't move quickly and start over anew! so they fight, and they ache

Can the girl and her mom understand eachother in the end? Can they come to a compromise? can they work it out in the end?

running

I feel like crap. i'm scared, i have that same weight on my chest and ache behind my eyes that i had before. i don't want to go back to where i was. I can't go back there. I've lost my confidence and i don't know where it went. I'm running from whats wrong... and i want to keep running

My mom has a boyfriend and that wiggs me out. i don't want to say anything because i want her to be happy, but i can't be involved in it. it will hurt me again i'm afraid. i don't want to know this guy, i don't want  her to be in it. but i want her to be happy, i want things to go back to how they were before this guy.

Where i'm at is strange, i think this relationship is hurting me. that is reality, but i won't stop it, i'm happy where i was in it, but then it changed. I want it to go back to the way it was.

I know i'm always saying that the only constant is change, that't true but it's not always a good thing. it hurts sometimes, and it makes things hard. the only way i can get stronger is if i deal with it!

I feel like such a wimp because whenever something changes i feel like i have to throw a fit, because things were good as they are. I should be able to understand it and deal with it but i don't feel like i can, no, thats a lie, i don't want to. I want everything to be perfect. haha, what a joke.

I put on such a good mask sometimes! so that people can't see how i ache inside, how hurt i am. but the people who know me best see right past it like it's a misquito net.

I want to cry and hide away in my safe place. i understand that i can't but i can't stop wanthing it. I dream of going there and hiding. but i don't. i can't. because if i hide things can't get better.

I hide things from my mom because i don't want to get into them. i'm a coward. I know i'm a coward. I can't talk to her becaue i am scared! so i hide myself away.

I want to run. I don't want to face this.

I hurt people, i hate to hurt people but i do. I know i hurt them and when i know i bleed and ache inside with knowing. I always end up hurting the same person. i hate myself for that. I don't disirve them, i shouldn't have what i do because i know i haven't erned it, if anything i've demonstrated why i shouldn't have it... and yet when it is going to be taken away i cry.

I love my family, but i dispise them. i don't want them in my business because they would ask questions i don't want to answer.

I have removed myself from people, from relationships, and it hurts, but i'm to scared to get back into them

I pretend to be someone i'm not because i want my old friends to stay friends with me. But i'm not who they think i am! i changed, but they haven't.

I say sorry for people i hold dear, when i know i shouldn't because how can they be so close to me if i say sorry?

It's calc compared to algebra, i can't say it anymore because i know it means something different to them. I know what it means. I can't even comprehend it, and they feel it endlessly. so how can i even claim to know thay they're talking about? how can i say i do in return?

this is just the start of what i feel i believe.. how can i live with myself? i run. i shouldn't run. i will stop running.

Oh yes!

Haha, It's funny when you stay up until about midnight reading steamy books, wake up the next morning and are full of energy! but woah it gets you later. I fell asleep in geog after i finished my test, dozed off in math after i finished that test too. haha, got coffee and slept a bit when i got home. still tired as a doped chimp. I wonder if she'll ever come back and be my lil sis again.. wonder if she'll just forget about me entirely. just wondering... Wonder about girls, know about guys. wanna know! wanna? life is strange as is my train of thought! wonder if a train of thought could crash? wow lots of jybberish! I wonder if people who 'speak jybberish' actually do or are they just flappin their gums. gum is yummy. i wanna taste those gums of his. again i wanna. My spelling sucks on this, so does my caps and puncuation. why is abbreviation such a long word? makes me chuckle. when people come to me for love help makes me chuckle more. wonder why they do that? maybe cuz i am brutally honest about what i see? I am not successful at love, why do they come to me? how strange. I am strange, i like it. and strange people! I am tired. i wanna have fun!

This is how i think. Just one neverending stream, so i'm not really random.. am i? yes. lol, cuz you can't follow my train.. cuz sometimes it crashes?